When in Doubt, Go Leather
by bluebottlebutterfly
Summary: The autobiography of an 18-19 year old Sirius Black, covering the time he got abducted by aliens, his short life as a model, not to mention James and Lily's wedding......it's all here! R/R
1. Aliens Exist

When In Doubt, Go Leather  
  
The Autobiography of Sirius Black  
  
********  
  
Chapter One- Aliens Exist  
  
  
  
  
  
July 19, 1978  
  
  
  
"Sirius!" James Potter, my best buddy, my home-dawg, mi amigo, my bro, whatever you want to call him, yelled up the stairs for me. I was up in my room, reading the latest issue of the wizard biker magazine Fly. At eighteen, neither of us had much of an income, so we were living in this tiny little house we'd financed together with his girlfriend, Lily Evans  
  
Him and Lily are a totally different story, however. This is all about me, remember? They have their own little melodramas. Mine are more interesting.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Me and Lils are going out, okay? We'll be back at...." I could envision him glancing at his watch. The big bling-blingin' one that we could have hawked for at least 100 Galleons or so. "....at the earliest 11. Okay?"  
  
"Fine, fine. Go out, snog your girlfriend, whatever." I gave a very false sniffle. "Leave me.....let me get eaten alive by the Lethifolds that lurk under my dresser...." I let loose a very dramatic sigh.  
  
I pictured James smirking. "There are no Lethifolds under your dresser, Sirius. Even if there were they would've attacked you already."  
  
"Shhh!" I hissed. "It might hear you. This particular Lethifold is very stupid. It has not realized that it can attack me."  
  
"Goodbye, Sirius," both James and Lily called upstairs. I heard the door shut downstairs.  
  
Excellent. I had the house to myself. But what could I do?  
  
I made my way downstairs, having decided to heat up some of the lasagna Lily had made us for dinner last night. Lily was a very good cook.  
  
But again, that is another story.  
  
I had turned on the Wizarding Wireless that James had bought Lily for her birthday and was humming along to the newest tune by the Minotaurs, "Veritaserum (Love Trap)" It wasn't all that good of a song, but it was either that or this ancient song called "I Dream of Bubotubers."  
  
I set down my magically-heated plate of lasagna, lit a candle and wolfed down the meal, which also included some garlic toast and a salad. I even treated myself to four slices of Lily's chocolate-cherry marble cheesecake that I wasn't supposed to eat until my birthday, which was in three days.  
  
I washed the dishes, giving a slight glance at the cat clock that ticked above the stove. It was only 9:36, and already I was feeling tired. I decided to have a cup of tea while I watched the comedy variety show on the telly we all pitched in to buy when we first moved in. Lily had been a bit reluctant because she thought it would cause us to become "lazy couch potatoes." We, meaning James and I, had insisted it would "bring us together at nights to watch the Muggle news and an occasional football game."  
  
****  
  
I settled myself on the comfortable blue-plaid sofa in front of the telly, my cup of tea and lemon bar in front of me. I gave a small laugh as Colin Dillimey, tonight's stand-up comic, told a joke about the traffic Muggles had. They thought their traffic was bad? Try using Floo Powder to get to Diagon Alley in summer. Right there, that's traffic. You often find yourself in the middle of the place you started from and the place you wanted to end up. I'm shivering just thinking about the time....  
  
Hold on, yet again I get sidetracked. You have to stop me when I start doing that.  
  
Anyway, Dillimey was thanking the audience for their assistence in paying him and a new comedian was coming on. I switched the channel to a football game, in which England was badly losing to Spain. I remember being deeply insulted by this. So insulted that I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.....  
  
****  
  
When I woke up, I was laying on a very cold silver table in a circular, silvery room covered in little dots of glittering, moving lights of multicolors, no longer wearing my sweat bottoms and T-shirt, but....well....nothing. And I must say it looked good on me. I tried to sit up to see where the hell I was, considering we did not have a silver examiner's table at our house....unless James and Lily had some twisted little secret room I didn't know about...oh, disgusting.  
  
Let's not think about that, shall we?  
  
I noticed a smaller table, one with very sharp, silvery objects with more little lights blinking all over the handles. There was one with a hooked metal tip, rather like the Grim Reaper's weapon, only smaller, with green and yellow blinking lights. Another was tiny, smooth, and flat with a very sharp tip, with red lights. There was also a very small pink mirror wrapped in a yellow cloth.  
  
"You awaken."  
  
I jumped and turned to face the voice. Standing in what I guessed was the doorway stood a tiny little guy, probably four feet. He was very wrinkly and a pale blue color. His head was oversized, eyes small and red, unblinking. He wore around his waist a silver skirt-like thing with a belt with more flashing lights, all different colors.  
  
He gave me an odd little smile. "Your name?"  
  
I blinked. Suddenly, I couldn't remember my name. "Er..." I said, rather intelligently. "Why don't you tell me your name, Zurg?"  
  
He laughed impishly. "My name is not Zurg. It is Sorifikoret."  
  
I blinked again. "How about we just call you Sor, huh?"  
  
Sor glared. "My name is Sorifikoret. Not Sor." He sounded rather insulted by my nickname.  
  
I winked. "I thought it was rather dashing."  
  
Sor pressed one of the lights on his belt. "Zjugenflaven, take this imbecile out of my sight."  
  
I started to feel slightly panicked. "Um, Sorifikoret is fine with me. We can call you Sorifikoret."  
  
But it was too late. Another little alien guy, presumeably Zjugenflaven, who was pale green and dressed in an orange metallic suit, had already entered the circular room. He grunted.  
  
Sor snapped his shrimpy, wrinkled blue fingers. "Take him away," he said lazily. Zjugenflaven came closer to my table, laughing in a grunty sort of way. I tried to struggle when Zjugenflaven began to pick me up, but I was weakened. The aliens must have done something to me.....  
  
Not like that, you nasty little bugger!  
  
Dirty minded, you.  
  
Zjugenflaven took me to another room. This one was not circular, but triangle-shaped, but still silver. It appeared to be a living quarters of some sort, because I noticed a tiny cot, also silver with orange metallic blankets and a thin, pink pillow. Zjuganflaven forced me onto the bed and sat me down. He dragged an uncomfortable-looking red plastic chair to face me and sat on it.  
  
"So," he grunted. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Maybe you'd like to tell me that," I responded, looking around the room.  
  
He looked startled. "Usually the Humans have a reason for coming aboard Jijuka."  
  
I stopped looking and faced him. "Oh, is that what this hellhole is called?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
I raised my eyebrows. "Ah. So, is Sor the leader of you guys or something?"  
  
"The what?" Zjugenflaven looked confused. "L-le-der?"  
  
I rolled my eyes. "Lee-der. It's the...er....lifeform who controls the other lifeforms."  
  
Zjugenflaven actually laughed. "Yes. That is Sorifikoret. His great- grandfather founded Jijuka 12,000 years ago."  
  
"Really? How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?"  
  
He wrinkled his already wrinkled forehead. "Ah, 1,596 in three rotations."  
  
"Rotations?"  
  
"The amount of time it takes to circle around the sun," he explained. "We call them rotations. How old are you?"  
  
"Eighteen years," I said proudly. I don't really know how I knew how old I was, considering I couldn't even remember my name.  
  
He looked nonplussed, but didn't bother to say anything else.  
  
"Well," he said finally, standing up. "Your meal will arrive in a bit."  
  
He then left.  
  
******  
  
After about an hour after Zjugenflaven left, I wondered if they (meaning the aliens, of course) knew I was a wizard. Maybe the aliens were conducting experiments on Muggles, then figured out that there was a magical community and wanted the best possible wizard on earth.  
  
They found him, alright. The best looking, anyway.  
  
Zjugenflaven came back with a bowl of some white stuff with little blue dot things in it. "Is that my meal?" I asked him disgustedly. He looked shocked and a bit insulted.  
  
"The gourmet chef, Zjulaperie, prepared this meal!" he said. "He is the best chef in the galaxy!"  
  
I looked down at the mush. "What is this?" I inquired innocently, poking it with the straw-like stick he gave me to eat it with.  
  
He sighed, rubbing his little green stomach. "It is the finest ground moon rock with added water from Mars, mixed with a blue cheese from your own planet."  
  
I felt like puking.  
  
"Um, I'll eat it later." I put the bowl of moon rock on the bedside table, wrinkling my nose. He sighed.  
  
"Well, we're ready to bring you in, anyway," he said dramatically.  
  
I perked up. "Bring me in? As in...take me home?"  
  
Zjugenflaven gave a cold laugh. "No." He sounded like an Italian mob boss right there, and it kind of scared me. "No, we have to run some....er....tests before you can go home."  
  
"What--" I didn't get the chance to finish my question because he lifted me up and took me to another room.......  
  
********  
  
I woke up to the sound of a key being turned in the lock and laughing. I sat straight up, grabbing for my wand.  
  
My wand.  
  
I was home.  
  
I breathed a sigh of relief as James stepped through the door followed by Lily. They hung their coats up, still laughing. They obviously didn't notice me there, because Lily put her arms around James and he leaned in and kissed her, both still smiling like idiots.  
  
"Did you have a nice evening?" I asked obnoxiously. Lily pulled apart from James, wiping her mouth embarrassedly. James shot me a look that said quite clearly "Damn you." I surmised he knew I was there the whole time.  
  
"Yes," he said through clenched teeth. "We had a lovely evening."  
  
Lily smiled. "What about you, Sirius? What did you do while we were gone?"  
  
Oh, had some dinner, watched a little television, got abducted by aliens including one named Zjugenflaven. You?  
  
I shrugged. "Nothing much."  
  
*******  
  
I never found out what the aliens did to me while I was passed out before I went home. Frankly, I have no interest in knowing. What I don't know can't kill me....or make me want to change my name and have a sex change.  
  
But from now on, I wait up for James and Lily when they go out for dates....just in case.  
  
*******  
  
A/N: I think it speaks for itself, don't you?  
  
Disclaimer: Sirius, James, and Lily all unfortunately belong to J.K.R. If they belonged to me, I would not be writing this. I would be out buying my own personal Macy's to go with my new bling-blingin' mansion. The aliens, their names, and the spaceship belong to me- but you can have all of them except Zjugenflaven. He's mine :)  
  
This is just a sampling, mind you. I have up to chapter 3 done, but I'm saving it until I finish my L/J thingie, CitM. I just wanted to see what the reaction would be......tell me! 


	2. We Are Living in a Material World......

When in Doubt, Go Leather  
  
The Autobiography of Sirius Black  
  
**********  
  
Chapter Two: We Are Living in a Material World.....  
  
******  
  
  
  
July 21, 1978  
  
  
  
I bounded down the stairs on my nineteenth birthday fresh from my morning shower, ready for my breakfast that Lily so kindly made for me.  
  
Sure enough, sitting down at the kitchen table was James, sipping a cup of coffee and reading the Daily Prophet. In front of him was an empty plate. I frowned. I didn't smell anything either.  
  
"Where's Lily?" I asked upon entering the kitchen. James glanced up from his paper.  
  
"Good morning to you too," he said cordially. "She went to the store. We're out of eggs and cinnamon. She's in a crisis." He rolled his eyes behind his glasses, took another drink of his coffee and returned to the paper.  
  
I poured myself a mug of coffee and took the sports page from him. He raised his eyebrows at me. "Looking for scores? Wasps won again, Sirius."  
  
"Nope," I replied jauntily, turning the page. "I'm looking for a job."  
  
James spat out his mouthful of coffee, staining his page (which I noticed to be the "Local Affairs" page), not to mention splattering mine.  
  
"Oh that's real attractive, James," I said sarcastically, waving my wand and removing the stains off of the papers.  
  
He coughed and pounded his chest, gasping for air.  
  
"Breathe, James, breathe."  
  
"You?!" he said incredulously. "A job? In the sports section?"  
  
"I want to be a commentator," I told him proudly, turning the page.  
  
"With what experience?"  
  
"I commentated at Hogwarts- first and second year before I made the team, remember?"  
  
He sighed in a resigned sort of way. "Well, it won't be in the sports section. It'll be in here." He passed me the classified section. The front page showed a short wizard squeaking, "At Ned's Used Broom Lot, you can get the Comet 160 for only 29 Sickles and 10 Knuts!"  
  
I took it, flipping to the "special interests" part of the paper.  
  
*****  
  
"Hi, guys," Lily greeted us, coming into the kitchen with two brown paper grocery bags. "Happy birthday, Sirius," she added, kissing me on the cheek.  
  
"Can I help you with that, Lils?" James asked immediately, getting up.  
  
Suck up.  
  
Lily stopped in the middle of the kitchen, a little surprised. "Sure," she said slowly. She looked nice today, in a blue and white striped shirt and white shorts. Her red hair was pulled into a loose ponytail, but I noticed there was a few strands of it hanging loosely around her face. James was sure to put them back for her. I'd bet my life on it.  
  
James took one of the bags and peeked into it suspiciously. "Lils, I thought you were only getting eggs and cinnamon," he said. "There's--"  
  
She stomped on his foot, glaring. "That's all there is, James," she hissed. He cottoned on.  
  
"Oh," he said loudly. "Yes, that is all there is."  
  
I already knew they were throwing a surprise party for me, however. Lily could keep a secret, but if you told James a secret in the morning the whole world would know by mid-afternoon.  
  
I shook my head and returned to searching for my job, which wasn't going too well. The only thing that had somewhat caught my eye was an ad to be the next salesperson for Ned's Used Broom Lot.  
  
And then I saw it.  
  
The ad for my calling.  
  
"Are you hot?"  
  
Yes, very.  
  
"Are you sexy?"  
  
Stop asking such easy questions.  
  
"Do you want to make a bank account to big to be allowed?"  
  
Doesn't everyone?  
  
"If you answered yes to all of these questions-"  
  
Hello? Is there an 'if' about it?  
  
"-you could become a model for Mango's Quidditch Uniforms!"  
  
Showing off my hot, sexy body in Quidditch uniforms?! This was my kind of job!  
  
Then in smaller print at the bottom of the page: "Must be 21 or over."  
  
So I'd become two years older for big money. Simple.  
  
"Hey, Lils!" I called, even though she was right across the kitchen.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"What do you think of me becoming a model?"  
  
I'm sure that if James had coffee in his mouth he would've spat it out again.  
  
******  
  
  
  
July 22, 1978  
  
  
  
"Sir," Mrs. Lisenmayer said gently, looking over her glasses. "Are you sure you're twenty-one?"  
  
I rolled my eyes skyward. "Of course I'm 21. Don't be ridiculous. If I weren't 21, would I even be here? I can read, Mrs. Lisenmayer. Even the small print."  
  
She smiled and went back to my resume. "Do you have any modeling experience, Mr. Black?"  
  
"A little when I was younger, before Hogwarts, of course," I lied. "I did some Muggle spreads and things like that."  
  
She smiled again. I was beginning to think it was one of those pasted on, you know when you're just trying to humor someone. "Well, you're certainly," she lowered her glasses again, "handsome enough."  
  
"Why thank you," I said, wiggling my eyebrows. That makes the ladies go crazy- except for Lily. She just slaps me when I do that. But she's James's girlfriend, so that's understandable.  
  
BUT BACK TO ME!  
  
"And you're certainly qualified....so..." She sighed loudly. "I guess you've got the job."  
  
******  
  
And so it began. My life as Sirius Black, hottest male model in the world....  
  
I went in three days later for a photo shoot for Mango's Quidditch Uniforms' newest accessory: the fan jacket. I hated the jacket- it had the Wimbourne Wasp logo imprinted on it (I hate the Wasps with a passion), but I was being paid 120 Galleons to do this shoot.  
  
The jacket stayed.  
  
For a while, anyway.  
  
I tried to convince Mrs. Lisenmayer, who was now my manager, to allow me to wear leather.  
  
"Please!" I begged. "I look my hottest in leather! I'm waterproof and everything!"  
  
The photographer, a Jean-Claude Gorenemmy, raised his eyebrow at me. "Leazzer?" he inquired suddenly.  
  
"Yes, leather!" Mrs. Lisenmayer said with a slight, snooty laugh. "Imagine!"  
  
"Zat could vork," he said thoughtfully, tapping his chin. "Zat could vreally vork. Do you have any leazzer wiz 'ou?"  
  
In between his heavy French accent (what is with photographers having to be French, I wonder? What's wrong with British photographers? Named Crystal? Who happen to be extremely hot and wear very short shorts? Or miniskirts, I'm not particular), I made out his question. "Er, no?"  
  
"Zat can be fixed, of course. Lulu!" He snapped his fingers, and a middle aged woman, his assistant, who looked rather like a starved bird, scurried over.  
  
"Yes, mounsier?"  
  
"I need some leazzer."  
  
Lulu looked confused. "What kind of leather, mounsier? A jacket, boots, pants...?"  
  
"Hmm," Jean-Claude mused, sizing me up. I was very uncomfortable and fought the urge to hide behind bony Mrs. Lisenmayer. "Vou are correct. Vhich article of clozing are you most comfortable with, Mistair Black?"  
  
"Jacket...and pants, all the way," I said immediately.  
  
Lulu made a note of this. "Black, presumeably?"  
  
"Of course," I said before Jean-Claude could interrupt. "Black is my name, the color is even hotter on me." I gave my best flirtatious wink at her and to my surprise she giggled and blushed.  
  
"Yes, yes," she giggled, leaving.  
  
*****  
  
The leather was a hit.  
  
I was a hit.  
  
Girls were squealing and giggling whenever they saw me on the street- which didn't take much getting used to, of course.  
  
James and Lily had to change our telephone number because we were getting too many calls at all hours of the night. Why didn't I change it? Number one, I don't know how to use the stupid thing, Lily and James take care of that, and number two I didn't really want them to change it anyway. I always thought it rather funny when James woke me up in the middle of the night screaming at some poor girl on the other line telling her that no, he wasn't hot, sexy Sirius Black (or hot and sexy....Lily of course begs to differ- but she has to), but the poor girl didn't understand a word he was saying because she was calling from CHINA.  
  
I was getting telephone calls from CHINA.  
  
Imagine!  
  
For Lily's birthday, I did not buy her an autographed picture of myself as I did every year, but a platinum tennis bracelet.  
  
What did James get her?  
  
Oh, just an engagement ring.  
  
*****  
  
Pretty soon, however, Mrs. Lisenmayer was getting calls from China requesting more pictures of the extremely hot and sexy Sirius Black. This would not have been a problem, except there were no other pictures of the hot and sexy Sirius Black. I refused to do any more photo shoots.  
  
The process bored me. Plus I didn't like Jean-Claude checking me out when he thought I didn't notice. I notice when anyone checks me out.  
  
"Just make more copies and color my jacket green or something," I told Mrs. Lisenmayer when she called me in for a meeting. "As long as they're interested, right Meggie?"  
  
Megan was her first name, she hated it when I called her that.  
  
"Don't call me that, Sirius," she said.  
  
I don't understand that. I mean, she was on first name basis with me, why couldn't I be with her?  
  
"That's the point," she continued. "They're not interested anymore, Sirius."  
  
"What?!" I leapt up from my chair. "But- but James got a call from Greece last night! They're still interested!"  
  
Meggie was surprised. "I thought you changed your number."  
  
I shrugged. "We did."  
  
"The point is," she said, returning to the topic. "You're not doing any new work, Sirius, dear. Much as we love you...." She sighed. "We're going to have to let you go."  
  
"Let me go?!" I shrieked. "You can't let me go! I'm your best client! Look at these abs!" I lifted up my shirt for her to see me six pack. She shut her eyes and crossed herself.  
  
"Dear Lord, Sirius!" she cried. "Put your shirt down! I do not want to see your....abs. Like I said, you are hugely popular and can still regain your popularity..."  
  
I perked up. I knew they weren't dropping me.  
  
"....somewhere else."  
  
****  
  
So ended my modeling career. Like Meggie said, I could've regained my popularity. I just didn't feel like it.  
  
Every once in a while, James would still wake up screaming at some girl who knew not a word of what he was saying. He eventually got used to it, however.  
  
In the meantime, we had a wedding to plan.  
  
****  
  
A/N: Dontcha just love Sirius?!  
  
A wedding....the next chapter....argh, they all blend together....  
  
Disclaimer: Sirius Black, almighty sex god, James and Lily Potter belong to J.K.R. Jean-Claude, Lulu, and Meggie Lisenmayer belong to me. 


	3. Goin' To The Chapel.....

When in Doubt, Go Leather  
  
The Autobiography of Sirius Black  
  
*************  
  
Chapter Three: Goin' to the Chapel.....  
  
************  
  
  
  
August 29, 1978  
  
  
  
Planning for Lily and James's wedding was really hardly planning at all. Lily, who was usually all for details, just wanted to get married, so she did a few hurried decorations, a set of plain invitations, dresses for herself and her maid of honor, tuxes for James and myself, for I was best man of course, and some food, which she insisted on making herself, and chairs for the outside wedding.  
  
That was it.  
  
Her dress and everything was really pretty, our tuxes were nice-- rented, but nice--, the flowers were from her flower garden, the maid of honor, her best friend Jennifer, had her dress, which was nice....  
  
Overall it was really nice.  
  
I woke up at three in the morning to James shaking me awake. "Sirius, help me, I think I'm gonna pass out."  
  
"Wait till the morning," I mumbled, trying to go back to sleep.  
  
"The wedding is in nine hours, Sirius!" he said quietly. "I'm gonna faint!"  
  
"Go eat something."  
  
He paused for a minute. "What?"  
  
He can be such an idiot sometimes, I mean honestly.  
  
"Nevermind. What's to be nervous about?"  
  
"What if something goes wrong? What if I'm smiling and I have something in my teeth? What if the cake collapses? What if in all the pictures my eyes are closed? What if-"  
  
"For all those things, I'll laugh. Goodnight, James."  
  
"You know, most best friends would say, 'Oh, none of those things will happen, don't worry, go make yourself some coffee.' But not you. You say 'I'll laugh.' Great best friend, you."  
  
"Fine, fine," I sighed, sitting up. "What do you want...what are you wearing?"  
  
James looked down. He was dressed in lime green robes, which I recognized to be Lily's from her sixth year at Hogwarts for this costume ball we had. Even in the dark I could see James blushing.  
  
"I-I don't know," he admitted. "I think I just grabbed something."  
  
"You give new meaning to dressing in the dark, Jamsie. Where's Lils? I want some crepes."  
  
"Number one, it's three in the morning. Number two, she's at Jennifer's. You know that."  
  
I groaned, rubbing my eyes. I really hoped Lily had left us something to eat or James had some money or something. James and I...well, let's just say we'd either starve or kill ourselves if Lily weren't here to cook for us.  
  
"Let's go find something to eat," I said. "Maybe it'll help me think."  
  
"What do you need to think about?" James asked as I rummaged around in my dresser drawer for a pair of socks.  
  
"How we're going to Remus and Peter over here," I told him.  
  
James sprang up from the position where he was (sitting on my bed). He crossed the room, grabbed me by the front of my robes and said in a deadly voice, "Tell me you're joking."  
  
"No."  
  
"SIRIUS!" he shrieked, his voice quite a bit higher than usual. "You were supposed to take care of that two weeks ago!"  
  
Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew are our other best friends. They were currently in Ireland and France respectively on vacation from this school they went to for a teaching degree and entry-level Ministry work, respectively.  
  
I shrugged. "Must've slipped my mind," I said casually.  
  
James screamed. I'm not kidding. He just....screamed.  
  
"Lily's going to kill you! She's going to kill me!" he babbled.  
  
"Look, they'll just Apparate- no big deal," I said.  
  
"From where? They don't know what time to come, what point to come from-"  
  
"I sent them an invitation," I said loudly. "They know when to come."  
  
He glared at me. "You'd better take care of this," he said, poking me in the chest. "You had better take care of this."  
  
James left the room then and not long after I heard his steps on the stairs.  
  
*****  
  
"ARE YOU INSANE?!" Lily's harried voice rang through the house, leaving a ringing sound after her thought was finished.  
  
"Lily's here!" I announced. James was adjusting his tie, looking nervously in the mirror. He now turned white.  
  
"Time to face the music, chap," I said, clapping him on the shoulder.  
  
James looked hurriedly at his bling-blingin' watch. "Sirius, it's only 11:10," he said, voice shaking. "We still have forty-five minutes before we have to be at the altar."  
  
"Correction-forty-five minutes before you have to be at the altar. I'm escorting Jen, remember?"  
  
James paled again. "I have to be up there alone?" he whispered.  
  
"Yes," I said slowly. "James, we talked about this."  
  
James was about to reply when Lily's voice thundered again.  
  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'THE CAKE COLLAPSED'?!"  
  
"The cake!" James gasped, standing up and getting ready to go out the door. I pulled him back by his suit jacket.  
  
"No can do, sir," I told him. "Can't see the bride before the music starts."  
  
"She spent six hours making that cake the Muggle way!" James said. He looked crestfallen.  
  
"Yeah, well we'll just conjure one up that looks just like it," I said, trying to console him.  
  
The door swung open, revealing Remus Lupin who was huffing and puffing, sandy brown hair sticking up slightly, his face red.  
  
"Lily's gone mad!" were the first words out of his mouth. "She's insane! She keeps babbling on and on about a cake and how the cherries probably hadn't even set. She almost pounced on me when I came in the door!"  
  
I snickered. I couldn't help it. Remus looked absolutely terrified. He and Lily had always gotten on well, but he was right: Lily could be very scary when she wanted to be. Like the time James and I were out until four in the morning and Lily waited up for us. Ooh, you want to talk about scary? Poor Jamsie.....had to sleep on the couch for a month and a half.  
  
"It's not funny!" Remus snapped. "Do you want to go down there?"  
  
I shut up.  
  
"I really should go down there," James said, trying to get out the door. Both Remus and I stopped him this time.  
  
"She'll be fine," I said. "Her mother will take care of it."  
  
"Her mother's a Muggle!" James yelled. "She can't conjure up a cake!"  
  
"I never said she had to conjure one," I retorted. "She can go buy one. There's a bakery down the street."  
  
James sighed and sat back down on the bed, rubbing his eyes. "Guys?" he said softly, looking up.  
  
Oh God. Here it comes. The sentimental 'I just love her so much. What if it's not enough?' crap all groomsmen have to go through.  
  
"I'm scared."  
  
What?! How could the guy who got sorted into Gryffindor, the bravest House in Hogwarts, in under three seconds be scared of a silly little thing like marriage? It was ridiculous!  
  
"I...I don't want to lose Lily," he continued.  
  
He lost *me*.  
  
"You can't lose Lily," I said loudly. "She's like a little lost puppy, she follows you everywhere. Trying to lose Lily would be like trying to lose those calls from China you still get."  
  
"You're still getting those?" Remus inquired, mildly surprised. "I thought you changed the number."  
  
James sighed and put his head in his hands.  
  
****  
  
"I just wanna say," I slurred. "I jus' wan' say dat Lils and Jamsie gon' be together forever.....eve' if Lils won't let 'im ge' lucky....."  
  
It was the reception, and I was drunk. Dead drunk. James made the mistake of putting red wine in front of me. He knows once I get one drink, it's all over.  
  
Idiot.  
  
That's not the half of what happened.  
  
I started to sing.  
  
I sang Bette Midler: "Wind Beneath My Wings."  
  
"Did you ever know that you're my heeeeeeeerooooo?" I warbled, my voice terribly off-key. I usually sound much better than that. If I wasn't a wizard, I would be a rock star. After all, I have all the qualities: I can sing, I'm dead sexy, and I have experience.......my modeling, of course. "You're everything Iiiiiiii ever wanted tooo-ooo-ooo be...."  
  
You may be wondering how I know all of this.  
  
Remus, ever the memory-saver, recorded it all. In a Pensieve. Well, not recorded it, but you know.....saved it. I've visited James and Lily's wedding night many, many times.....and laughed each and every one.  
  
By now, James was trying to keep a straight face while Lily sobbed.  
  
"Thank you," I slurred. "Thank you very much."  
  
********  
  
After that wedding, James and Lily tried to get me never to drink again. There were some occurances where I slipped up, but nothing totally major. Well, there was the time on their first anniversary.......  
  
Well, that wasn't nearly as funny as the time at their wedding, so we'll ignore it.  
  
*********  
  
A/N: Yeah......I think I have a slight Sirius obsession. Doesn't everyone, though? 


	4. The Beauty and the Baby

When in Doubt, Go Leather

The Autobiography of Sirius Black

***************

Chapter Four: The Beauty and the Baby

***************

July, 1980

James had wasted absolutely no time in getting dear Lily knocked up, and by now she was very pregnant, and very irritable. Everything I did or said made her mad, and she was getting me quite frustrated as well. James told me repeatedly to stop talking back to her, and to quit showing off my abs when she was feeling so bloated and unattractive. 

It was summer, and an uncharacteristically hot one at that, so of course that was just another stick up Lily's arse. She yelled at James quite often for impregnating her when he knew she'd be giving birth in _July, _for God's sake. She said that, from now on, they were not having sex until nine months before December. 

James dealt with this calmly to his wife's face, but sometimes I caught him throwing knives at the wall. 

On July 30, Lily woke up at no later than 2:27 in the morning with contractions. James, who was an Auror, was on a raid, and it was uncertain as to when he would be home. 

So Lily came stumbling into my room, and flicked on the light. I did not notice immediately until she threw the first thing that came to her reach (which happened to be a _lamp) _at me. 

"Bloody hell!" I shouted at her, once I'd woken up and the lamp had made contact with the back of my neck. "You could've given me a concussion!' 

Lily did not apologize. "Well, I guess it's lucky for both of us that I didn't, because you have to contact my mother, our friends, and my husband, because I'm going to have this baby. My water just broke."

She said this as though it was supposed to mean something to me. It did not, but I decided to humor her anyway. 

"Why do _I _have to?" 

"You're godfather," Lily responded shortly. "And because I'm in _pain, _and if I call someone, I may end up verbally abusing them. And you also have to drive me to the hospital." 

"We don't have a car. And why can't we use Floo powder, my dear Lily?" I was trying to be nice to her, because I didn't want her to get violent with _me._

"I'm nine months pregnant, Sirius, and I'm _about to have a baby. _Listen to what I say. Call a bleeding taxi, and while you're at it, put on some pants." 

She waddled out of the room. Lately, I'd taken to calling her 'Penguin' because of the way she walked, but this had made her cry more than once and James had to give me another lecture.

Sighing, I did as I was told.

---------------

"My sister, you see," I said to the attractive nurse, sighing, "fell in love with this prat. Soon as he found out she was pregnant, he left her. I'm the only family she's got left, and…I just hope I can be enough for her." 

"That's awful," breathed the nurse, placing a hand over her heart. "You don't look a thing like your sister, though." 

"Oh," I said, thinking quickly. "Lily and I, we have different fathers. Her father was a terrible drunk, you see. And my father is John Travolta." 

"I love that movie he did!" she gasped. _"Urban Cowboy!"_

"It pays the child support," I told her evenly. 

I felt a tap on my shoulder, and James was standing behind me, still in his Auror uniform, wearing an amused expression on his face. 

I gasped dramatically. "How dare you come around here!" I exclaimed. 

James's face changed from entertained to puzzled. "What?" 

"You haven't spoken to Lily since you got her knocked up, and you expect us to just welcome you with open arms? No, sir!" 

"Sirius, what the hell are you talking about?" 

"Excuse me, Jessica," I said, reading the name of the nurse's nametag for the first time. "I have to talk some sense into this man." 

"How dare you do that to Sirius's poor sister?" Jessica said to James accusingly. 

"His--" James began, laughing as he realized what was going on, but I clapped a hand over his mouth. 

"I'll handle him," I said. 

Jessica nodded, shooting James a glare as she checked the chart in front of her.

"Are you using my pregnant wife to get you girls?" James asked. 

"Hey, at least she's good for something," I said. "I got bored. I've been here for four hours, James, you can't expect me to read _Ladies' Home Journal_ for that long." 

"What, they don't have _Playboy_ here?" James inquired, smirking. 

I shook my head. "Surprising, isn't it?"

"Oh, shocking. How's Lily doing?" 

"I don't know," I said delicately. "I've stayed away from her. She seems to be in a lot of pain, and I don't want her to take it out on me." 

James sighed, and went into Lily's room. 

--------------

I was awakened again early in the morning, this time by James, who was beaming. "Sirius!" he exclaimed excitedly. "I'm a _dad." _

"That's great," I muttered, shifting in my sleep. 

James hit me. "Come on. Come see your godson." 

I grudgingly woke up and followed James into Lily's room. "What time is it?" I mumbled, rubbing my eyes. 

"A little after midnight," Lily replied. Both she and James were just _smiling_, and they were making me feel tired. Lily was holding a little bundle wrapped in a blue blanket, and her mother was standing next to her, clutching Lily's shoulder.

"Want to hold him?" Lily asked quietly.

"Sure," I said, and held out my arms. James pushed me into a chair. 

"I'd feel much more comfortable if you sat," he said. 

I stuck my tongue out at him, and Lily placed their son in my arms. "Mind his head," Lily's mother reminded me, dancing around me. Suddenly, images of very attractive girls performing a ceremonial worship ritual centered around me filled my mind. I grinned as the women began to chant my name…

Lily mistook this for awe towards her child. "He's wonderful, isn't he?" 

"Sure," I replied. "What's his name?"

Lily sighed dreamily. "Harry."

I choked on a laugh. James, Lily, and Lily's mother glared at me. 

"What is wrong with 'Harry'?" Lily wanted to know. 

I sputtered through my laughter, "Well, it just reminds me of…well, it always reminds me of some ninety year old man, drinking brandy and hiring prostitutes. Many, many prostitutes…" I sniggered.

Lily stared at me. James groaned. Lily's mother turned to look at me and informed me coolly, "'Harry' was my father's name."

"He had lots of girlfriends, didn't he?" I said, snickering. 

Lily's mother chose not to reply to this. "Lily, I'm going to get a cup of coffee," she said instead, gathering her jacket and purse.

Once she left, James hit me again. "What is your _problem?"_ he demanded.

"Come on, Jamesie, if it wasn't your kid it'd be funny, right?" 

------------------

Harry came home with us three days later. He made life rather uncomfortable for me, what with all that waking up screaming at four o' clock in the morning. He also took up most of Lily's attention and time, especially when James was gone. This meant that Lily did a lot less cooking and a lot more bottle making. Which meant that I did a lot less eating good food, and a lot more trips to the ice-creamery six blocks away.

But overall, I didn't mind him too much. He was often entertaining, especially once he started talking at about ten months old. He was exceptionally good at it, and James and Lily were shocked when he started saying full phrases--_dirty_ phrases at that. 

Of course, I'd taught him these phrase to see what kind of rise I could get out of his parents. So when he told Lily, "Nice rack!" and she dropped the plate she'd been holding, I started hyperventilating I was laughing so hard.

"Sirius!" she exclaimed, not quite knowing what to do with Harry, "where did he learn that?" 

"You know," I finally said between laughs, "I've told James not to let him watch so much television." 

*********************


End file.
